Sunday, March 9, 2014

Stark Raving Dictionary II

I tend to create words for my own usage quite a bit, usually insults, because I’m a writer and the English language is just not flexible enough to convey all the different shades of my rage. Not all of them are winners, but hopefully some of them will strike you as funny. These words are all self-created, but if you find them somewhere else then “brilliant minds think alike” and all that shit. If you do end up using them, then please let me know! 

Gi•gan•ta•tool [jahy-gan-tuh-tool] –noun

1. A person who has achieved greatness, going so far beyond being a mere “Tool” that they have now entered into the much-coveted and rarefied realm of acknowledged Tool royalty.

2. A person who, through no fault of their own (besides being born), you now hate to the core of your soul.

Auto Aggressive Side-Thrusting Psychosis [–Abbr. AASTP, or “AAhhhhhh, STOP!” as it is now known]

1. A little known disorder affecting people who are inconsiderate dick-like drivers. Widespread amongst drivers located in or from the northeast quadrant of the U.S. (Ed. Note: I am from the Northeast)

2. The symptom of the disease is shown by the affected driver pulling up to an intersection at an increased rate of speed, neglecting to slow down while clearly acknowledging oncoming traffic, hitting the brakes at the last minute to avoid a collision but not slowing down completely, and then continuing to nose forward in an assholish manner, thus conveying to the oncoming driver that they are “in a hurry” and “can’t stop for anyone else” and that they obviously consider themselves the “more important driver” in the intersection.

3. There is no cure for this disease, except for a horrible auto collision that will hopefully teach them a fucking lesson right before death. The only known defense against this disease is shown below.

Spock Smackdown [spok smak-doun] –noun

1. Named after a popular character in the Star Trek movie/television franchise, this maneuver is used to neutralize the effects of an encounter with an Auto Aggressive Side-Thrusting Psychosis driver. Can be used on other fuckwad drivers as well.

2. To initiate the move, the oncoming driver must immediately make eye contact with the AASTP driver. Once engaged, the oncoming driver must then raise his right eyebrow in disbelief, conveying to the AASTP driver the message, “Are you fucking kidding me? Don’t go fucking nosing your dumbass car into my intersection, bitch. I will cut you.” Once the message has been received, the oncoming driver may continue to maintain eye contact, driving home their message further and completely humiliating the AASTP driver until they are forced to look away, preferably down into their lap in shame. The oncoming driver may then finish their drive across the intersection, reveling in their complete moral, ethical, and emotional victory.

County Fair Drive-Thru [koun-tee fair drahyv throo] –noun

1. Not limited to the South or rural areas (despite the name), this is a term used to describe a certain type of drive-thru experience that makes you swear off fast food forever.

2. The clear signs of a county fair drive-thru are as follows:

a. Sudden, inexplicable stops that can go on for minutes and/or hours
b. Personnel with multiple deformities/lack of bathing/ugly tattoos/few teeth (see: Carnies)
c. Weird and unexplained noises coming from all around you (see: Speakerboxes)
d. Constrained tracks that do not allow you to leave the ride once you are on it
e. Exorbitant prices for everything, including food
f. All the games are rigged, everything you end up taking home is crap you don’t want
g. Haunting calliope music is played that chills you to the bone and causes you to see things hand-picked from your worst nightmares (see: Boredom, extreme; Side effects of)
h. The wild animal show is entertaining, although the cages/swing-sets/slides they are in look vaguely inhumane and cruel
i. All walls/floors are covered by something sticky and/or vomited
j. There’s cow poop. There’s always cow poop
k. You feel dirty and/or suicidal after entering

© 2014 All Rights Reserved. The author of this blog reserves all rights to the content of this post. No part of this post may be reproduced in any format without written permission from the author.

1 comment: