Sunday, March 9, 2014

Stark Raving Dictionary

I tend to create words for my own usage quite a bit, usually insults, because I’m a writer and the English language is just not flexible enough to convey all the different shades of my rage. Not all of them are winners, but hopefully some of them will strike you as funny. These words are all self-created, but if you find them somewhere else then “brilliant minds think alike” and all that shit. If you do end up using them, then please let me know!

Tool•fest•'14 [tool-fest-fohr-teen] –noun

1. A derisive description of a normal day that suddenly becomes inhabited by Tools of all shapes and sizes that infest your life and cause harm and destruction by fucking up your every waking thought, movement, or activity. Fearing your strong homicidal thoughts, you eventually run home, cower under a blanket, and wait until the sun rises again on a new day.

Example: "How's your day going today, dude?"

"Well, let's see: I almost got rearended by a douche who was flossing his teeth instead of actually driving, my teacher at the learning annex gave me an F on the paper I wasted the last month on, and I found out my last boyfriend gave me herpes. I'd say today has turned into a total fucking Toolfest '14."

"Dude, that sucks. C'mere so I can blow you to make you feel better."

"Uh, ok. What about your crabs?"

"Yeah, I had that taken care of, of course."

Pube•no•le•um [pyoo-beh-noh-lee-uhm] –noun

1. What the floor in your bathroom becomes coated with when you don't clean it for a month. Or longer.

2. A scientific impossibility, as no human can ever shed that much pubic hair and live. Analogous to finding a live unicorn or discovering the lost foreskin of Jesus. (Please reference Wikipedia for Jesus' foreskin. Really. I'm not kidding. Supposedly some church had it on display. No, really, I'm not joking. Yeah, I KNOW! Look it up!)

Example: "Ewww, what is all over this floor!?"

"Oh, it's just pubenoleum. Didn't think I shed that much hair, did you?"

"Yuck! It's a wonder you're not naturally bald down there. But y'know, it's oddly warm on my feet, especially now that it's winter..."

Can•cer Test [kan-ser test] –noun

1. A mental test that pops into your head when you are simultaneously faced with two emotional facts:

A. An acknowledgement (either covert or overt) of your mortality.

B. A contest, goal, achievement, or some other activity of worth that stretches yourself beyond the bounds of what you previously were comfortable with or thought you could accomplish.

Example: "Hey honey, did you want to go to that nude S&M beach party this Saturday or not? I've got Helen on the phone right now and she needs an answer."

"I don't know. It sounds kinda...weird."

"Well, weren't you the one that told me last week that one of your Bucket List entries was to be hung upside down in a sling while being fisted by a group of Hell's Angels? On a beach?"

"What is this, a cancer test? *Sigh* Oh, alright, sign us up!"

Lick•a•bly De•li•cious [lik-ah-blee di-lish-uhs] –adjective

1. Used to describe someone of unbearable gorgeosity. Someone who is both visually hot and gives off so much animal-magnetism hotness that you could instantly see yourself ripping off all his clothes (if he's wearing any) and giving him a thorough tounge bath from head to toe. Concentrating on the face and other sensitive areas. And liking every minute of it, of course.

Example: "Good G-d, did you see that guy in the locker room? Those abs! That back! His calves were the size of grapefruits, nevermind the size of his--"

"Hey, I was there too, remember? Heck, I got to see him step out of the shower! G-d, he was SO lickably delicious!"

"I know, right? Too bad he left so quickly. You know, I'm a diabetic, and without my recommended daily allowance of man-on-man licking I could fall into a coma instantly. Maybe we need to get back to your apartment and fix that, like STAT!"

"Okay, that is the worst line I have ever heard. You're an asshole."

"Whatever, your loss."

"Well...y'know...I'd really hate for you to fall into a coma..."

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